Three Cheers for Clarity!

Does anyone else out there believe that there is a plan that we don't have control over?  That destiny is not something we necessarily get to decide ourselves?  I do.  I have a blessed life, a happy life, a wonderful life - and, I have a confession to make.  I have struggled with Post-Partum Depression since Holden was born.  I've debated with myself, over and over, as to whether or not to share this information.  At this point in time, I feel like sharing the truth is the only way that anyone can understand my indecision over the past year, my desperation to change something - anything, and my need to find comfort somwhere - anywhere!

I could not have imagined myself in the position I found myself in after Holden was born.  Even after raising two babies prior to him, I felt like I had no idea what I was doing.  He would cry and I would become anxious, sad and fearful.  I felt like I could never leave the house because I wouldn't know what to do if he started crying.  I sort of holed-up in the cabin... and even after being a home-body and loving that sort of life, I began to feel trapped.  I was so confused as to why I had these feelings.  I had been such a happy mama to the girls, totally competent and together.  I felt like I was a good mama to them when they were babies, but with Holden, I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.

I should have sought appropriate help sooner.  I let the feelings fester and evolve untill they turned into something else.  A lonliness that could not be cured, a sadness that could not be explained, a desparation that I could not correct.  I knew something needed to change, but could not admit to myself that the problem was within me.  I let myself believe that it was circumstance and situation that was causing me to feel so down.  I had trouble coping with my everyday - caring for the baby, and the girls.  Homeschooling felt like a chore instead of the joy it had once been.  Running my little business took everything out of me.  Who was this person that had formerly been me?  Hence, I decided that I had to get out.  I wanted out of my own skin, but since that wasn't possible, I decided I had to move and start over.  That's why I sought out job opportunities in Iowa for myself and my husband.  I thought going back to family would be just the lifeline I needed to get back on my feet and to get a fresh start.

You know what?  I had that part right.  Coming back to Iowa gave me the fresh perspective I needed to get back on track.  After hitting the low of lows, I realized what my real trouble was.  Not my home life, not running my small business, not the stress of homeschooling and raising three children, and not the trapped feelings I was experiencing.  The trouble was that I had Post-Partum Depression.  As soon as I recognized what was really going on, I was able to see clearly and I am so thankful for that.  It still pains me ever so slightly that I could have taken steps earlier to make things better, but I won't dwell on the past.  Instead, I'm looking towards our future and am more excited than ever.

I will head back to Colorado in 6 weeks.  In that time, Jeremiah will be making some major renovations to the cabin.  We'll get a new ceiling, which is so very necessary.  New lighting fixtures and wall coverings are also in the plans and a new closet in my bedroom.  I love our cabin life, but had also felt overwhelmed by the amount of work that needed to be done... and it will be such a sweet treat to go back.  I won't have to reinvent myself or my life... I know I will fit back in perfectly.  I give thanks to God that my children are so resiliant and adaptable.  I give thanks that my husband is so wonderful, supportive, understanding and forgiving.  I give thanks that my family in Iowa would do anything for me, and love me unconditionally and help me find that light at the end of the tunnel that I've been looking for.

I never expected to struggle with Post-Partum Depression.  My lifelong dream was to be a mama... I could never imagine a better job - so I was unbelievably confused when I felt the weight of sadness after Holden was born.  I had to go through a lot, and put my family through a lot before I realized what was going on, but I'm healing now and it feels good!  I thank you, readers, for standing by me, letting me relive the good times with my countless photo albums, stories, and for your support in my small business venture.  You will be thrilled when you see what our future holds.  We are about to add an entirely new element to the shop, and I couldn't be more happy!  Now that I have clarity, I know exactly what direction we are headed in and it's a good one!

I want to share with you a poem... you probably already know it, but I feel it sums up my life perfectly.  It brings tears to my eyes when I read it and realize that it is the story of my life.  A good life, a happy life... a wonderful life!

The Road Not Taken

by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.